I Guess Only Time Will Tell

I went back to choir rehearsal after a year of being gone. Just went back in like I'd never left. And there's a reason why, but I can't go into that in it's entirety right now. There is a whole subsection of topic that talks about the background of the following incident, but I can't muster up the courage to write about it just yet.

This post is about one thing at the moment, so please bare with me.

We were practicing this song, and the girl who directed the song (Jamie**) gave the tenors a note that instead of being harmony, was merely an octave of the soprano note,

"I think you may want to give the men a higher note."

"I really think this is fine." She snapped at me, but I took it in stride. You see, even though I had been at this church for 24 years, suddenly I was new there,

"But it's wrong." Old habits die hard.

"I don't care! That's what they're going to sing, and that's it!" She gave me this cold look that would have sent shivers up my spine except, well, it was Jamie.

"I'm sorry, are you trying to be scary?" She gets flustered very easily and throws down her lyric book,

"Why did you come back here?" She turns towards me with both hands on her hips and a vendetta in her heart. Unfortuantely my vendetta is much larger and much more entitled.

"Why haven't you left yet?" I shoot back, I take a step towards her, "You waltz in and out of here like you own the place and they let you. So I decided I wanted to be like Jamie! I want everyone to listen to me even though I'm a terrible, foul human being!"

Jamie crosses her arms and stares directly into my eyes,

"You don't know anything about me." Never one to be outdone, I take another step forward,

"You haven't given me an explanation!"

"I don't owe you an explanation!"

"Yes Jamie. Yes you do! You owe me an explanation as to why you decided to end a decade long friendship without telling me! You owe me an explanation of how in the world you got everyone to turn against me and openly ridicule me! You owe me, you big jerk! You (point at her) hurt (breaking stick motion) my (point at me) FEELINGS (outline heart on my chest)!"

So we're standing there, and normally I back down first, but I don't this time because this time it's not for me to do. So it's dead silence, and we're staring, and the time is passing, and everyone is watching and doing nothing, as they usually do.

Then she starts to cry. Big, wet, tears bog down her already hefty lashes, and tears are streaking her make up and it looks a mess and breaks my heart, but my heart has been broken for over a year and this time I can't back down.

"No! No, you will not cry Jamie. You will not wuss out on me. You will be a woman and hold yourself accountable for your actions!" And she sits on the bench and everyone shoots me a dirty look, as usual, and they comfort her and I grab my things and leave.

I would have stayed, but that would have been too spiteful. And I know they talked about me like a dog. And it makes me so mad, that this is the kind of thing that always happens to me. That whenever I stick up for myself I get into the most trouble. If I don't stick up for myself than nothing happens. So either way I'm screwed.

The saddest part is that I still love Jamie to death, it's just that, while I know things will never be the same, I know they can be better than this. Than the way they are. I just don't know how to get there.

You can imagine the dialogue I shared with God about this. Resplendent with "Why's", and "How's" and what not. It's a learning experience I know, but what am I supposed to be learning?

I guess only time will tell...


**names have not been changed because screw her, that's why!