Whigga What?!

My brother-in-law David is white (and gay, but that's another post), but I always say he's just a black man in need of a tan. You see, he's one of the coolest people I know. He loves R&B, neosoul, jazz, and even some rap. He knows every black entertainment reference, and every black history fact I throw at him. And he knows it so nonchalantly, like, "Oh yeah, Charles Drew, transfusion pioneer, too bad he couldn't get one himself, the world sucks." It's like black to him, is something to be appreciated, and where I live that is most certainly not the case so anytime I meet someone like him, I instantly fall head over heels.

He was born in Basten (where they lack to patty at the bahs) Mass, briefly did a stint in the Navy, married a woman, divorced said woman, reconciled with his mother (again, another post, yet well worth the wait), moved to San Fran, met my brother, love, union, yada yada.

Anyhow, one year I was out there visiting and we were riding in his car talking about this boy that lived with me briefly that ended up being completely insane (nother post). The point I was trying to make was that said psychopath was trying so hard to be something that he wasn't.

David made a comment that so many black men were at a disadvantage when it came to personality. In order to succeed they think they need to be "Uncle Toms", but in order to be accepted they have to be niggas and thugs.

I stopped listening because one word rang over and over again through my head. Niggas, niggas, niggas. I didn't know what to say. I am of the sect that hates when white people use this word. I absolutely hate it. Even when it is used in a way that is not entirely hateful, I hate it. That's pretty much the only justification for it, but I might elaborate sometime in the future. I completely checked out of the conversation for a bit, and when I came back he began talking about how he would recast Dreamgirls with members of Destiny's Child, and since I am a pop culture whore, I let the last subject go, and ran full force with this one.

I went back to thinking about how I felt about what David said. I mean, in essence, it was just a word that he said to illustrate a point, but what was that point? What exactly did being a "nigga" entail? What made him think that it was acceptable to say that in front of me? How many other black people let him get away with that? I know that he's been a part of the black community long before he met Keith (my brother, and no all you SFU fans, it's just coincedence), and in general he would fight for any wrongs and injustices against us, but does that give him the right to throw around that word?

When I was visiting it was an awkward time for me in general. All of this stuff was happening back at home, and I was really just getting to the point where my brother saw me as an actual adult, and not just a child. I really wanted to go there and impress him and make him like me because for a long time I didn't think he did. That ended up being more about him not knowing me, but at the time I was so flustered.

I never mentioned the incident to either of them since, and don't feel right bringing it back up, but I think about it every now and again. Trying to find an answer, where there is none.